Wicked Wednesdays No 15 “BDSM 101 Part 3 On Submissiveness”
Welcome to “Wicked Wednesdays” a weekly podcast about my experience as an amateur porn actor and producer. I’ll be sharing my insights into the process of making porn, how we got started and lots of candid talk about sex and and relationships with and emphasis BDSM, Kink and Polyamorous Relationships. Obviously this will not be a kid safe podcast, so discretion is advised.
In this episode I talk about the nature and spectrum of submissiveness and go more in depth on Bedroom/Romantic submissives and also Rope/Bondage submissives. You can also listen to this on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and most other podcasting sites
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Lesson transcript
(The notes I use to produce the podcast, sometimes I will add to the text as I record and that wont be represented here)
Part one:
On the nature of submissiveness.
What does it mean to be a submissive? Here in the beginning I want to state that everything I'm going to say about submission, and these submissive types, falls on a spectrum. Few things in the world are strictly black-and-white. If you look at a distribution graph, the classic bell curve graph, the bulk of a population will fall in the middle, the high part of the bell, and as you move out to the left and right extremes of that bell curve you have a much smaller percentage of the population represented.
Whether it's intelligence, height and weight, income, or almost any other variable, the bulk of the population will be average, in the center of the bell curve, and then you have outliers. If the average American woman is 5 foot 5 that's where the bulk of that graph will be, that's the dead center. A lot of women will be 5’6 or 5’4, but as you move out from the center of the bell curve the numbers of population represented become smaller, as you get out to the extremes of the bell curve, on the far right and left you find very few women under 5 feet tall and very few women over 6 feet tall. They exist of course, but only 1% of American women are over 6’ tall and only about 2% are 4’11
The population that you plug into your distribution chart matters of course. If you only include women pro basketball teams, you will find a much higher percentage of women over 6 feet tall but even in that population there will still be the classic bell curve distribution with the bulk of athletes being represented in the center with a few outliers being exceptionally tall or short. That is just how statistics work.
The same thing is true for dominance and submission as personality traits in people. If you place fully dominant on one side of the graph and fully submissive on the other, the bulk of population will fall in the center, they have dominant traits and submissive traits with very few people represented at the extremes.
I believe that is where a lot of the misconceptions about dominant and submissive play lie. If someone is labeled as “submissive” somehow they are expected to always be submissive or completely submissive all the time and the same is true of Dominants. And that is just not how people work, it would be just as simplistic as saying you're a happy person or a sad person. most of us experience both as we fall on the spectrum of happiness or sadness. Some days were happy some days were sad, some parts of the day we're happy some parts of the day were sad, vanishingly few people are represented by “I'm always sad” or, “I'm always happy”
So as I talk about submissiveness today, and the types of submissiveness, keep in mind that I'm always speaking about a spectrum. People are complex creatures and none of these submissive types, or being submissive in general, is an absolute. You can be a combination of these submissive types just as you can be a combination of dominant and submissive, and that can vary day by day or at different times in your life.
What does it mean to be a submissive
Generally a person who identifies as submissive would fall to the left or the submissive side of the distribution graph. Meaning they have more submissive traits than they have dominant traits. That doesn't mean that someone who is more to the right side of the dominant/submissive graph can't be a submissive, or cannot choose to be submissive sometimes. I know a lot of dominant people who in their day-to-day life whether it be at work or just in their general personality are dominant, They're very self actuated, they may have a leader ship role where they work for example, but they also enjoy being submissive that's not a contradiction in terms. If you spend all day being in charge of other people, it can be very relaxing, cathartic, and fulfilling to let somebody else be in charge or to let somebody else make the decisions, to relax and be a follower.
I do like to use the analogy of leader and follower in the D/s sense because to me that's very much what it is. Being a follower doesn't mean you're not capable of taking care of yourself and being a leader doesn't preclude you from being led or following direction. Only the far extremes of the chart, the true outliers, are completely dominant or completely submissive and either can't make any decisions for themselves or are completely unable to follow direction.
I've spoken about this before in an earlier podcast that being submissive is generally disparaged, especially in American culture, where we place such a high value on being “Type A” and being a leader and being “alpha”. Forgetting that most people are a combination of both and very few people are the outliers. We can't all be type A, we are not all leaders. A team doesn't work well if everybody is vying for control and nobody takes direction and nobody is willing to work together.
These dominant and submissive personality traits are very much a "feeling" it's how these roles make you feel? Does it feel more comfortable to you to lead or does it feel more comfortable for you to follow? If you identify as a submissive, if you feel submissive, it means you generally enjoy being directed. It is less stressful for you if somebody else makes the decision. Depending on where you fall on the dominant/submissive chart will depend on how much of your life and your decisions you want to entrust to somebody else. That does not mean that you have to let just anybody tell you what to do, most of the submissive people that I know like being directed, but they like being directed by someone they trust and respect
Where you fit on the dominant submissive chart in large part will inform what kind of submissive you are, but it can also just be a general part of your personality, your life experience, or your level of play and you will often have to experiment to see where you fit and what makes you feel good.
Why Submission
At the most basic level, it's what makes you feel good. A submissive person will feel comfortable with a more dominant person leading them. In BDSM there are often very clearly defined roles, this person is dominant this person is submissive, cut and dry, but the dynamic of leader and follower is true of almost all relationships we have in life.
Even close long-term friendships among equals or peers; someone will tend to be the more dominant personality and the other the more submissive and that doesn't mean that they have a power exchange relationship where one person is “in charge”. It could be that one of them is the one that organizes the barbecues and the other person shows up and helps out.
We fall into these rules very naturally without it having to be a discussion or a negotiated contract, We tend to assume the role that feels comfortable to us. In BDSM play we're taking those natural personality traits and pushing them, sometimes to extremes. For someone who is naturally submissive having that submission pushed to an extreme degree can be very pleasurable, exciting, and fulfilling.
Finally the roles that we play in BDSM don't always follow our natural inclinations:
Sometimes in BDSM the transgressive nature of the play is what's exciting. You're familiar with the stereotype of the high-powered executive CEO who hires a professional Dominatrix to tie them up and paddle them. It's exciting and fulfilling for them exactly because it goes so much against the grain of what they're used to and who they are. It can be exciting to them to surrender all control and be dominated by somebody else even though they would not identify as a submissive. The transgressive nature of the play is their kink. For some naturally submissive people they can get a thrill and fulfillment out of taking a dominant role in BDSM play.
I’ll be addressing some of the more simple styles of submission and some of the more elaborate styles, but I don't feel like there's a hierarchy of these. I reject the notion that being an alpha submissive is somehow better than being a brat, bondage bottom, or a bedroom submissive.
Also as usual note that these are my definitions from my experience and my understanding of the scene. Other people may have very different definitions for submissive types, or use different terminology altogether. There is no international governing body of BDSM so a lot of this comes down to personal preference.
Types of Submissive
Submissive or Bottom is the general term that all the other roles will fall under and it is not necessary to have a subcategory that defines your play. You may just be a submissive, you don't have to have a specific role to play or take part in the BDSM scene.
Romantic or Bedroom Submissive:
This is a very common style of BDSM play. A romantic or bedroom submissive is generally interested in the erotic style of BDSM play that only happens "in the bedroom” By its nature Romantic or bedroom play is limited or episodic. A bedroom submissive may not do any sort of play outside of the bedroom or in their life or day-to-day relationships but in the bedroom they enjoy being submissive in erotic and sexual situations.
The type of play they engage in is not necessarily limited, it could be discipline play, bondage play, or impact play, really any BDSM style play; though it would be unusual for them to incorporate some of the more extreme elements and apparatus found in other styles of play.
Being a bedroom submissive can be as simple as; they don't like to initiate sex and they like their partner to do the initiation, and they like their partner to lead the sexual encounter, all the way up to some fairly extreme types of play.
Many people who are bedroom submissives wouldn’t necessarily consider themselves part of the BDSM scene, it's just that their sexual nature is not very dominant, they like to not be in charge during sex.
Romantic or bedroom submissiveness is a way that many ordinarily vanilla couples may spice up their sex life a bit, but they may not take it to the extent of having a formal dominant and submissive relationship. Bedroom only Dominant/submissive play can sometimes be an entryway into more formal and elaborate play or not, it really depends on the couple and what they enjoy. it may be plenty for them to use handcuffs and blindfolds and that's all the extra thrill they need.
Bondage Bottom/Rope Bottom:
Someone who enjoys being tied up, having their freedom of movement constrained in someway. This could be very simple, having their hands tied together, and moving towards the elaborate with full body rope and even suspension bondage.
Being a bondage bottom more generally encompasses all aspects of being constrained whether that is handcuffed to a bed, being tied with rope, suspension bondage, hard bondage like being attached to some sort of apparatus like a St Andrews cross (that’s the X shaped cross that is usually standing upright) placed in stocks or other bondage framework, and more elaborate types of bondage where the person is completely vacuumed sealed to a hard surface with only a straw to breathe through.
Being a rope or bondage bottom can be the entirety of their submissive experience, that is they don't do any other submissive play with a dominant other than being tied up. The tying in and of itself is their kink, or it can be one aspect of other types of play, being tied up while paddled would combine bondage play and impact play.
Being a rope or bondage bottom can also be just one aspect of their overall submission play, they may be a brat who also enjoys being a rope bottom. Being a bondage bottom can have a erotic elements; where the person enjoys having sex or other intimate stimulation while tied up, but that may not be part of it at all, Rope and bondage can be done with your clothes on.
Frequently, especially in public play, you will see people being tied up performatively, either with simple bondage techniques, hands, arms, or legs tied. or much more elaborately with bondage that includes suspension, (someone that is affixed to a point where they can be raised off the ground suspended from their bondage).
Sometimes this is Shibari or the Japanese art of rope tying, that has specific types of knotwork and patterns that are practiced in a formal style, or it can be completely freeform. The performative style of bondage can be very beautiful to watch and both the person being tied the “rope bottom” and the “rigger” the person doing the tying are performing for an audience much like watching someone paint a work of art. Obviously this can and is also done in private.
Why bondage? As always in BDSM it's because it is fulfilling, not necessarily because it feels good. Being a bondage bottom can be something that makes the submissive feel secure, they enjoy the feeling of being controlled. I've had bondage bottoms who really like the feeling of being tied up closely and liken it to being "hugged all over”.
For other bondage bottoms, they don't like the feeling of being constrained and that is thrilling to them. Being constrained makes them feel anxious or excited and they like that feeling of not being in control, they like the feeling of not being able to move because it adds an element of danger and that is thrilling to them.
Finally, while this can seem counterintuitive, being placed in bondage can actually be very freeing. In a lot of the more extreme stimulation play, impact play, electrostimulation play etc. if you are free to move around you have to dedicate part of your awareness to not flailing around hurting yourself or the people around you. It can be difficult to hold still while you're being paddled, your natural inclination is to escape and move away from the stimulation. Being tightly bound or constrained allows the submissive to experience the full extent of the stimulation without having to be conscious about controlling their body, they can surrender fully to the stimulation.
In my play I often use what I call self bondage, meaning that I command the submissive to not move and then provide them a stimulation that makes that very difficult. This falls into the discipline style of play where telling someone to not move and then giving them a reason to want to move heightens the level of that play. This can also be accomplished by placing the submissive in a difficult or uncomfortable position and commanding them to not move and then it becomes an endurance type of stimulation play.
