Wicked Wednesdays No 26 “Thanksgiving Q&A Special”

Welcome to “Wicked Wednesdays” a weekly podcast about my experience as an adult film actor and producer. I’ll be sharing my insights into the process of making films, how we got started and lots of candid talk about sex and and relationships with and emphasis BDSM, Kink, and Polyamorous Relationships. Obviously this will *NOT* be a kid safe videocast, so viewer discretion is advised. This videocast is for educational purposes *ONLY* BDSM and Kink activities can be dangerous and you must assume full responsibility for your own actions.

In this weeks episode I catch up on some of the questions I’ve received recently including: Is there a hierarchy in Polyamorous relationships? What are some relationship red flags for you? Can you have a romantic BDSM relationship and why are you so sweaty? Answers to all those questions and more in this weeks episode.

Episode Transcript

Hello and welcome to Wicked Wednesdays your weekly podcast on sex and sexuality with an emphasis on BDSM kink and Poly relationships I'm your host Wicked Fellow and this week we're going to do a Q&A

It’s Thanksgiving and everybody's busy including me, I've got a lot of projects going on especially with this move right now, so I'm releasing this a bit later than I usually would. However hopefully I can still get it out on Wednesday. If not you can listen to it while you guys bake a turkey tomorrow; it's fun for the whole family (depending on what kind of family you have)

Before we get started I want to thank our newest Patreon subscribers: Chris and Hasra. I appreciate your guys support more than I can tell you. It really gives me the motivation to get these podcasts out every week. Even during thanksgiving when I've got a lot of projects going on I still want to get a good podcast out for you.

I really appreciate it when you guys send me in questions and ideas for the show it gives me a good idea of what's interesting to you, it lets me know areas that I've missed it gives me important information that I need to make this the best possible podcast I can. If you've sent in a question and I haven't addressed it directly either in a podcast or on one of these Q&A episodes it's likely that I'm saving it for a more in-depth episode.

For example last week and previous to that, people have asked me about the legality of BDSM, how does consent work? do I need to protect myself of the contract? for example and those are excellent questions that I want to address in a podcast about the legalities of BDSM and that's something that I want to do right. I want to consult with more people that have much greater experience in the law that I have so that I can give you the best possible information. So don't get discouraged if I don't hit one of your questions right away. I save all of these questions in a big file and, like this week for example, I went back and pulled out some questions that I haven't gotten to or that interested me in this particular context or that fit in with a theme that I'm working on. Usually these end up being one or two questions that I go on a bit too long about (we’ll see)

So let's get started:

“Being in a poly relationship, do you give yourself more to one person than to another in terms of time attention type of activities? I'm curious as to how that is handled.”

There's a bunch of different ways to do polyamorous relationships. Some people have a fairly strict hierarchy in their poly relationships where they have primary partners, secondary partners, tertiary partners etc. Some people find that demeaning somehow and degrading so they don't like to use those terms. I think that any time you have relationships with people, you do tend to have a natural hierarchy even if you haven't spelled it out explicitly. So I think in poly relationships, just like any other relationships you have even amongst a group of friends, you may have a friend that you naturally spend more time with, you may have a friend that lives nearby and therefore is available to spend more time with you, you may have a friend that lives on the other coast and you only get to see them periodically, so that forms a natural hierarchy. You wouldn't necessarily say that your friend that lives in town, that you spend the most time with, is your “primary” friend and that another person you see twice a month is your “secondary” friend, and your friend on the coast is your “tertiary” friend.

I do have at least an acknowledged system in my poly relationships where primary partners the partners that I spend the most time, with often the partner that I live with for example. That's a primary partner and what that means to me is they need to come first when I'm making decisions about time for example; if I have a primary partner, if I live with them, I share expenses with them, they're a larger part of my life than another partner may be. It's important when I'm making decisions on how much time I spend what activities I do I think that does play into the balance. But it's not something that I use a spreadsheet for, it's not something that I sit down and figure out well I spent 14 hours with partner a so I need to spend 13.5 hours with partner b it's rarely that regimented but I do think that there's a natural hierarchy

there are certainly poly relationships where it's very egalitarian and it's more about who's available that's the more important aspect than who is a primary or a secondary partner I've mentioned before that there's a number of different ways to live a poly lifestyle in my experience I've been a single poly person meaning I didn't have a primary partner someone that I spent the most time with I had a number of secondary partners and the time that it took to have relationships with that number of secondary partners equated the amount of time you might spend in a primary relationship.

If I'm in a primary relationship with a partner in a poly relationship I'll be very careful about how many secondary partners I entertain in that lifestyle because there's only so many hours in a day there's only so much time and attention that one person can spread amongst a number of other people and vice versa so the way it might work is you have a primary partner you live together with this person you share expenses for the outside world it would look just like a dating couple's relationship you wouldn't look any different than a regular relationship however both of you also have a secondary partner and that secondary partner they may be part of a primary relationship of their own so that person has a limited amount of time to spend with you and you have a limited amount of time to spend with them and that's just kind of accepted it usually doesn't have to be put on a spreadsheet and made very regimented it's fairly natural they may only have one night a week that they can see you whereas you see your primary partner six nights a week and when you're in a relationship like that there's a natural hierarchy that secondary partner doesn't have the same access to you that your primary partner might have they don't have the same expectations of time and attention that your primary partner might have but they also have another person in their life that they are primary to so that's a good balance in poly relationships I've got a primary and I have a secondary my secondary has a primary and they have me as a secondary so there's balance when things can get out of balance is when I have a primary partner and I'm dating someone that's single and they don't have another person in their life to fill in those voids they're either not poly or they're poly but they're not seeing anybody else for example or they're single poly and they have a number of relationships that don't take up a lot of their time and that can be difficult for a poly person because the person that is the secondary in that role tends to feel neglected even if it's not necessarily fair for them to feel neglected when I enter into a poly relationship just like when I enter into a BDSM relationship I like to be very clear about my expectations how much time I have and find out what their expectations are and what they hope for the relationship so if I meet somebody and they're single I will tell them you know I'm interested in you I like you i'd love to have a relationship with you, you understand that I'm Poly and that most of my time is already accounted for I cannot take a lot of time out of my current schedule to devote to this new relationship you know how much time are you hoping to spend every week or every month whatever the situation may be and get a feel for them so that I'm not over promising from the very beginning because if they're expecting to see me three nights a week and I can't do that because of my existing obligations either to my work or to my other poly partners etc that's starting off on a bad foot that's setting them up for disappointment because they're going to feel neglected one of the strengths in Poly is you say to your partner would you like to go to the movies on Thursday and they say oh I can't I have work or have another date or I have whatever you can then go to one of your secondary partners and say would you like to go to a date on Thursday when you don't have that outside availability if you're the single person in a poly relationship you tend to feel neglected and that's not necessarily the fault of the poly people in your relationship especially when you're joining an existing poly relationship so as I've said I know this is not for everybody I know that not everyone can manage their time properly and can focus their time and attention on more than one person I totally understand that that can be difficult in a mono relationship between work and life and trying to take some down time for yourself and everything that goes on with us it can be difficult to spend enough time with your partner whether that's your primary partner in poly or your partner in a monogamous relationship making sure to spend enough time with that person even throughout the day those little messages that let them know you're thinking about them if you're not good at that in a mono relationship you're going to be really bad at it in a poly relationship where a number of different people may be looking for your attention during the day yeah I do feel like there's a hierarchy whether it's an enforced rigid hierarchy an acknowledged hierarchy or just a natural hierarchy that comes about because of the nature of relationships your time and attention is finite and you have to be careful not to over extend yourself and promise too much to too many people otherwise you're going to fail in all of your relationships it's a really good question and this is something that I will probably hit more as I do more advice on Poly podcasts okay an easy one how tall are you I'm 6'1 I used to be slightly taller I've had a number of back surgeries that have shrunk me down a little bit and I'm getting older but I'm still a good six one I'm probably about six one and a half why do you sweat so much in your videos I don't know if I sweat an inordinate amount in my videos the most recent video that we put up the new lavender video lavender gets cold really easily and we were filming that in the winter time we actually filmed that last year and she was getting very cold especially in between sessions on that scene you don't really want to know how the sausage is made when you're doing these films but you're not always performing right there's going to be time where you're just sitting there in a bathrobe trying to stay warm and lavender gets cold really quickly so I had all the heaters on we actually filmed that scene right where I'm sitting and this is a not well insulated shop so I had two space heaters and a big oil heater on and I would pump the temperature up to like 95 degrees before the scene and then I would turn off all the heaters because they make noise and then we'd shoot for a while until she got too cold so what happened in those scenes is we'd start the scene i'd get very sweaty it would get pretty cold in here you'd get really chilly it's not all glamorous but yeah I i don't sweat that much I don't think but yeah thanks for noticing and uh I sweat because I'm working hard to bring you the best possible content that's the answer can someone have a romantic and a Dominant relationship sure there are certainly specific styles of Domination where it is a very romance based I haven't gotten to that specifically in the BDSM 101 series but you could consider that a bedroom style Domination but there's also definitely a type of Dominant that you know for example they're not into degradation or being a master owner relationship necessarily or a predator prey relationship they really like to play up the romantic aspects of BDSM say a nice dinner with candlelight and then overlay that with the power exchange of I'm in control of you but I also value you and I'm enamored with you and sometimes I'm going to treat you very softly and give you bubble baths and other times I'm going to be very firm with you that's kind of a hard soft style of BDSM that's very appealing to a lot of people I like to play that way in my relationships but yeah you can definitely have not just elements of romance involved in your BDSM but you can have a romantic relationship with somebody that you also play BDSM with that's not uncommon at all especially in couples who don't do BDSM all the time you know most of the time they're just your normal average couple but occasionally they like to get a little kinky in their play that would be one type of romantic BDSM relationship well yeah there's you can certainly intermix those there's no one way to play so if you're looking for that if you're looking for a BDSM power exchange relationship that also has strong romantic overtones you just need to find the partner that's into that the person that can deliver both sides of that coin to you but yeah absolutely you can have that this is kind of a long question to those who are curious but realize they may suffer some claustrophobia I didn't even realize I had this issue until a girlfriend of mine brought me to some mutual friends for a very informative and first-hand intro into the world of BDSM they had a professional tie you up and to my shock I started freaking out and experiencing what I think was claustrophobia I would love to hear your thoughts on the two and what advice you would have for those who are still curious and the safety measures that they and their partner can take yeah whether you have claustrophobia even it's a mild case of claustrophobia or it's a very severe form of claustrophobia where being inside a room can be a source of anxiety for you if you're aware of that that's certainly something that you want to talk about with your potential partner before you do any play if you know when I have my hands bound I freak out so I don't like being bound for example that's something that is your absolute responsibility to communicate to a potential partner long before you ever get into a play space so that's one side of it if you know you have issues that cause you distress or anxiety it's paramount that you communicate those clearly to your partner well ahead of the scene this person wasn't aware that they would react that way and so when they started getting tied up they had a bad reaction they had a distress response an anxiety attack response to being tied up now I don't know the situation I'm not their psychiatrist I'm in no way trying to diagnose them I don't know if they're claustrophobic it could be that the situation that they were in gave them a high level of anxiety and then being tied up made them feel out of control which exacerbated that feeling etc or they may be generally claustrophobic and they just didn't realize it until they were tied up for the first time in those situations that's the reason that I always advise moving slowly as you enter the world of BDSM with a lot of these stimuli a lot of these different ways of achieving stimulation through BDSM you can always increase the stimulation as needed but if you start off too high it can be hard to dial things back down so say it's impact play for example the very first time you're struck should be gentle it should be light it should be something that is testing your response to it I know that as a Dom when I'm working with a new partner after we've had all these discussions about what they do and don't like and potential triggers they may have I still start light because they may react in that scene differently than they've ever reacted before and I have to be aware and watching very closely their reaction because there's always time to increase stimulation if I'm not getting the response that I want or I don't feel like they're getting the stimulation that they need it's easy to jack things up it's very hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube if you've gone too hard too soon because that can startle a submissive that can startle your partner that can make them very fearful and gun shy that can ruin the whole scene for them because they got way too much too soon so when I'm doing bondage for example with someone who's never been tied before we're gonna start very slowly we're going to do some light wrist restraint for example and I would tie them in front of their body when you're tied in front of your body you feel like you have more control than when you're tied behind your body for example and I'm going to apply that stimulation gradually I'm going to take away one aspect of their freeDom of motion at a time one because I like the art of tying and to me a slow deliberate artistic tying is a beautiful thing to experience it's fun to do it's very rewarding to me to do well and so I'm not in a hurry to get them completely bound up or hog tied and suspended for example there's time for that and in a case like this where the person didn't know how they were going to react I don't know how far along into that scene they got before they realized they were in trouble but I feel like there were probably some warning signs that perhaps they didn't want to say perhaps they didn't want to spoil the mood or get embarrassed in front of their friends for example so maybe they were starting to feel anxious and by the time that they were completely immobilized they really started to have a panic attack so you do want to listen to yourself and don't be afraid to communicate if you feel like things aren't going the way you want them to if you're feeling anxiety one of the things that I do as a Dom is I insist that my submissives communicate how they're feeling during the session so if they're cold I want them to tell me if they're afraid I want them to tell me if they're feeling anything I want that feedback from them not because I'm allowing them to direct the scene but because I want them to be open and communicative with what we're doing so they may be cold that doesn't mean I'm going to make them warm it means I want them to tell me they're cold part of that is trust if they're starting to get too anxious I can back off now as a Dom I feel that's my responsibility I should be watching that and having a good feel for that but even I miss the signs sometimes and I've definitely worked with submissives where I did not pick up that they were not in a good headspace because they weren't showing me that they were internalizing it and they were being very still or very quiet for example that can be a good thing in a submissive scene being still in quiet can also be a bad thing in a submissive scene you know fortunately in that scene we didn't go very far I was increasing stimulation gradually and by about the third strike of stimulation they told me I don't like this, this isn't what I want the scene stopped that's how it works and we assess you know what's going on are you okay is this something that we didn't communicate well or are you just not feeling it today that's fine I want that feedback so the advice I would give from the power side from the top side is always go slow especially with new people that don't know what their limits are introduce stimulation slowly so that you have very good control over it one thing about bondage especially elaborate shibari type bondage is once somebody is tied completely head to toe that can be a very complicated system to get them out of that so it can take some time obviously you should always have safety protocols where in an emergency you're ready to cut that rope and free them if there's a circulation issue or a breath issue or any other issue where you need to get them out of that rope quickly you need to have provisions on hand a pair of good you know EMT shears that will cut right through any rope that you have them in that's just a safety protocol most of the time you have time to untie somebody but be prepared for that situation where I need to get this person out of this restraint immediately that's the paramount thing so you don't want someone to be completely tied up and then find out oh they're claustrophobic and I need to get them out of this as soon as possible that's not a great scenario to be in on the receiving side on the bottom side of these relationships be very clear about your known boundaries and during a scene never be afraid to tell your Dominant how you're feeling if there's something wrong if you need to use your safe word if you need to have a warning word whatever it is your safety is always paramount and in the end whether you're a Dom or submissive your own safety is still your own responsibility I put a lot of weight on Doms to catch this stuff and be aware of their sub safety but at the end of the day the submissive still bears responsibility for their own safety and if they're being pushed too far they have to speak up because sometimes the feelings that they have may feel huge inside of them but they're being completely still and they're not showing any outward signs of distress and the best Dom in the world might miss that sign so do not be afraid to speak up go slow and don't be afraid to speak up i'd be interested if you if you see this podcast reach out to me and tell me more about that situation and how that happened how the Doms responded to that how they got you out of that situation i'd be very interested in the rest of that story will you do an episode on breath play probably not here on youtube and that is because youtube is very sensitive about that type of issue um I might even bleep that part out because they do have a transcript of everything I say here I don't want to lose this channel I'm not I don't live in fear of it because it's very likely at some point especially if this gets popular that I'll lose this channel because of the content that I produce because of the links to my own adult websites etc I don't want to lose the channel because I want it to be a good resource for the community you know there's I don't make any money off youtube so it's not a matter of income from youtube I genuinely want to put something out there that is useful for the community I think that an episode on breath play and the importance of breath play how it can be done safely etc I would love to produce something like that I think that trying to do an episode like that would put me on the wrong side of their terms and conditions you can watch a Brazilian jiu jitsu how-to on how to knock somebody out and that's fine but if I show you how to do breath play safely that's somehow taboo according to youtube I don't write the rules I will produce something like that it may be available only on my site for example I might have a link to a video hosted on my site or I might put it on one of my adult sites where it wouldn't be that big of an issue etc I do want to educate on that I mentioned it briefly in one of my previous podcasts it hasn't gotten taken down yet but I do have to be very careful about some of the things that I talk about that's why some of the topics that have been suggested to me I'm interested in doing podcasts on some of the more extreme kink plays but I can't do it here so I'll off I'll walk that line and I will find a way to get you the information that I have on that I haven't seen a soft Dom like you before I think that some of my submissives would not consider me a very soft Dom I do get what you're saying in that especially recently we've been trying to include aftercare in our videos we've been trying to show the full scene not just the exciting rough stuff that gets views but also showing people that hey once you've been rough with someone like this you then need to take care of them that has always been part of our play but in the beginning I didn't think that it was something that I should include in my videos for a number of different reasons I now recognize that that was a mistake I should have been including that aftercare in every rough video that we've ever done because it's always there it just happens off camera you know one of the reasons it's very quiet it's not very interesting to watch it's usually very personal there's a reason that I always duck the volume down very low because we might be saying some things that are much more intimate than the adult scene that we just filmed right it seems a bit counter-intuitive but that aftercare that's where the heavy personal stuff can come out sometimes and I'm not willing to put that out there for people to see aftercare can sometimes look very distressing you know sometimes during aftercare the sub that you're working with may break down in a crying jag that's not a negative thing but it's a private thing it's something that you don't share with the world it's a feeling that they needed they needed that release they wanted that release they fully expected to have that cathartic moment but that's not something for public consumption I'm not going to put a model in a very vulnerable moment on the web like that so there's a lot of reasons that I have not always featured aftercare in our scenes I'm going to do more of it moving forward especially in the rough scenes I'll always try to include something even if it's just something that we filmed for the aftercare scene you know I try very hard to be genuine in what we do in that what you see is what you get if a model says that something feels the way it does that's how it feels but with aftercare you know again in order to show how aftercare should be done that might be something that we have to film as after care and then we might move into our real aftercare because the real aftercare can be very intimate can be very private it cannot necessarily be very fun to watch but I do want to show people that yes if you're going to be rough with somebody you also have to take responsibility to take care of them afterwards and make sure they're okay so as far as being a soft Dominant yeah in that respect I do very much want to show people that BDSM isn't all the exciting rough stuff there's a heavy responsibility on the Dom to take care of their submissive after the scene before the scene in between scenes that's all part of being a good Dominant I'm a very adaptive Dom and that kind of that moves into the next question on here which was what do you think your strength is as a Dom compared to others and that's kind of one of the same thing I'm very adaptive to the needs of my submissive if I have a superpower that's what it is if my submissive needs me to be very strict and firm and hard with them I can do that and I can enjoy that if I have a submissive that needs a much more tender gentle parental caring touch I can do that too my kink as I mentioned before is the fulfilling of my subs needs it's working with them in a way that is fulfilling to them so they get the maximum fulfillment and enjoyment from these scenes that's what turns me on I don't have any individual kinks necessarily that I'm pursuing outside of can I work with this person can the gears mesh in the way that I can fulfill their needs as a sub and when I can do that especially when it's challenging to me when it pushes my comfort zone or it makes me do something that I'm not experienced in or a style of play that I haven't done before that I have to learn and become proficient at I enjoy that that's the kind of Dominance that I want to continue seeking throughout my career so yeah being adaptive being sensitive to the needs of my submissive that's my strength as a Dominant all right maybe one more because this went on longer than I expected as usual what are some red flags and warning signs when they are in the beginning stages of talking to Dom's potential relationship partners that can and probably will be its whole own episode it's a great question I've hit a number of those in the BDSM 101 podcasts about you know starting a new BDSM relationship etc I'll hit a couple of them as I wrap up here a red flag for me as a Dominant would be a submissive that doesn't respect my boundaries just like it would be for a submissive talking to a new Dominant that didn't respect their boundaries so when I'm establishing a new relationship with someone I'm very clear I'm very clear on my availability I'm very clear on things like how frequently I expect to be contacted and how frequently I can respond etc because especially at the beginning of a new relationship it's important to me to establish those boundaries of if you write me at three o'clock in the morning don't be upset that I you may not hear from me till the next day that kind of thing so I feel like that boundary that lack of respect for boundaries is universal in any relationship BDSM poly monogamous vanilla friendships when people get into a new relationship it's very exciting we talked about new relationship energy on the last episode of the poly podcast and of course when you find somebody that you really click with you just want to give them all your time and attention and invest everything you have into that relationship there's a positive to that and it can also be negative in that you can overwhelm somebody very quickly especially if they feel like you're not respecting their boundaries so Dom or sub vanilla or kinky the number one warning sign I would say is if you've established a boundary with somebody them failing to respect that boundary it's rare to me that that's the kind of behavior that can be corrected not always perhaps they just didn't realize that when you said please don't call me after 10 you really meant don't call me after 10 for example I can list a thousand different ways of people crossing those boundaries whether it's assuming that they own you the moment they meet you as a submissive that's a bad thing for a submissive the same kind of assumption of I've met you and you're a Dom and I'm just going to give myself to you fully right here and now no negotiation I'm yours take me. that's very flattering as a Dom but it's not a great start to a relationship you know I want a submissive personally I want a submissive that respects themselves can stand up for themselves can say no and will enter into a relationship with their eyes open and their expectations ahead of them and being able to communicate that in an adult fashion where they understand the seriousness of the relationship that they're entering that's important to me, so just as I would not advise Doms to go out and assume Dominance over someone I would not advise submissives to just throw themselves at a Dominant without that negotiation without finding out if they want you as a submissive those are tricky things to negotiate those are tricky things to navigate in the BDSM world just as they are in the vanilla dating world yeah so today's red flag is lack of respect for boundaries and we'll end on that one in some studio news I finally got out the newest lavender video I've been literally working on that video for the better part of a year it's because it was a very difficult shoot it was very hard to edit we had a lot of sound issues for example and I did use multiple camera angles that did not always work well with each other I've learned a lot since then I've got much better equipment since then so that was the last of those videos made on that system that will be so difficult to edit and put out I do have some other lavender videos that are unreleased and I will be releasing those soon I have concha videos in the pipeline as well so I know you guys keep asking you know where's more Katja you will get more Katja it's just a matter of time and making sure that I do them right i'd much rather put out good content than just shove content out the door a lot like this podcast it's important to me that it looks and sounds as good as it can considering the situation if you want to help support the channel your upvotes count the upvote to downvote ratio on our videos is really important especially on the adult sites because we may get tens of thousands of views but very few people vote on those videos so a couple down votes can drop our rating below the 90th percentile where we need to be to get featured to get put on the front page etc so if you're a fan do us a favor and just click that like button that's a huge benefit to the site it helps us stay in business it helps get our videos out there to people that want to see them and that's how we get paid so if you're one of those wicked ways studio super fans hit that like button those are easy free ways that you can benefit the studio and show a little bit of that support all right my kinky fellows I love coming to you every week sometimes these are difficult to get out but I always enjoy the process I like talking to you guys like this I love getting the feedback from your questions send those questions don't be discouraged if I don't hit them right away I do keep every question I get I will get to it in some way or another whether it's its own episode I'll write you directly I'll find a way to get you the answers that I can I am right in the middle of this move I'm packing stuff up I'm painting and I hope to be like loading a truck up in the next couple weeks the sooner the better as I've got a lot of stuff on my plate I will keep trying to get these podcasts out to you in this video cast check us out on youtube go to our website at www.wickedfellow.com where you can find our podcast all of our links contact information all that good stuff as those of you who follow me on Instagram saw last week I have a new wicked ways studio coffee mug which I'll feature at the end of this video if you're interested in one of those let me know because in order to have enough maid that I can actually provide 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