Wicked Wednesdays No 17 “BDSM 101 Part 5 Attending Your First Event With Q&A”

Welcome to “Wicked Wednesdays” a weekly podcast about my experience as an amateur porn actor and producer. I’ll be sharing my insights into the process of making porn, how we got started and lots of candid talk about sex and and relationships with and emphasis BDSM, Kink and Polyamorous Relationships. Obviously this will not be a kid safe podcast, so discretion is advised.

In this episode I answer some listener questions about what to expect and how to behave at your first event what my secret kinks are, and inclusivity in the BDSM scene.

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Episode 17 Show Notes

A special thank you to our founding Patreon supporters, Kristen, Carol, Deborah, Kwun and Carine, your support helped me build our website and I cannot thank you enough for helping keep this podcast coming out each week. If you would like to join our small but dedicated Patreon family check out the link on our website or conveniently placed at the bottom of the podcast notes.

Some notes from last weeks Last weeks episode: From some of the feedback I’ve received I didn’t do a good enough job of explaining that the categories of submissive I’ve been describing are not exclusive or even that you have to fit into any of these categories to be part of this lifestyle. The categories and types of submissive should be seen as archetypes. Just as you could say “I’m an outdoors person” that is an aspect of your experience, but are you into kayaking? Skiing? Parasailing? Do you go minimalist camping for a week in the Australian out back Or do you just like taking hikes in your local park? All of this falls under “outdoors type”

So when I say brat play, good girl or boy, or rope bottom, that can be all, or part of your BDSM experience, or It can play no part at all. Another listener felt a bit overwhelmed by all this and started to feel like they had to choose what kind of submissive they wanted to be before they even got started. It's not like that at all. I know people in the scene, people that have been in the scene for many years who would simply describe themselves as “a submissive” They don’t necessary feel like they want or need a role other than that and they are having a rewarding experience all the same.

The Kink and BDSM scene should be an open and welcoming place for people of all levels of experience and interest. Don’t be afraid to start exploring and allow your feelings and interests to guide you.

I’ve been asking for you to send in your questions and you have not disappointed. I have several pages of questions you all have sent in and while I’ve been using them to inform the episodes I’ve created, I thought it would be good to dedicate this episode to going through a number of them directly as they highlight interesting and important points of this lifestyle.

So:

1: What are the protocols that are most likely to be used in clubs or dungeons... I know each will have some differences but the general rules of behavior expected?

Great question. How do I behave the first time I visit a kink scene, club or dungeon.

Since it’s the internet age, you should start by looking at the website, or event post on social media if available. It may have a short guide about appropriate attire and what is and is not allowed at the function. Frequently a local bar or club will host a “BDSM” night and they may have very strict guidelines about what is allowed other times it can be pretty wild, but you are better off planning more conservatively, as you always have the option of taking things off but it would be a bummer to be turned away at the door if you don’t have enough on.

As for behavior, that will depend on very much on the type of function. If you are attending a munch or slosh, You should dress pretty moderately. Some people like to incorporate elements of their BDSM life in their clothing, collars and other things that might be BDSM or just edgy street wear and that is usually fine but ask yourself if you really want to be the only person in Denny’s on Sunday afternoon in a full latex bondage suit, and even if that just made you a little excited, do consider the people you are hanging out with and whether or not what your wearing will make them uncomfortable even if they are hard core kinksters. Munches are public social gatherings and the idea is to be fairly inconspicuous.

Now how do you behave? Well, for the most part you should behave in a respectful way as you would at any social gathering. As weird and kinky as we are most social norms still apply.

Do not touch anyone who has not invited you to do so.

Don’t be aggressive or assume that because you are at a kink event you can be lewd with people you don’t have an established relationship with.

Doms, you especially need to be mindful of your manners. Do not assume that every submissive you meet is your own personal toy, or that you have any authority over a complete stranger. If you are a Dominant person that will speak for itself, submissive personalities can spot a dominant personality a mile away. If you feel like you have to “show” your dominance, I have bad news for you…

Understand that many Doms and subs have strict relationship rules, and you should not approach or talk to a collared sub unless it’s clear that you are being invited to. How can you tell? Sometimes you can’t so tread carefully. Other times it will be very clear. Honestly one of the reasons I dislike social BDSM gatherings in mixed company are new, inexperienced, or just ignorant “Doms” walking around hitting on every person they see as if it were a buffet.

Do not, ever, pull out your camera at a kink event. Sometimes this is a posted rule, other times it’s not, however it is simply bad taste to start taking pictures of people at kink events, unless its something like a gay pride parade. For many people they are not out about their kink lifestyle to family and friends and your Instagram post may cause a world of grief for someone. You may see photographers at the event, they will have permissions and they are usually working directly with a particular scene, a rope bondage scene for example where they have explicit permission from the performers. They will also be knowledgeable enough to keep bystanders out of frame. Even at a fairly tame bar scene, its very bad form to be taking pictures of people without their express permission. (I’ve attended heavy kink events where phones were not allowed in the room at all.)

Use your judgement, don’t be a dick. Kink events are weird, you may walk into a bar and the first thing you see is a mostly naked woman tied to a St Andrews cross and being flogged by their Domme dressed in a white latex nurses outfit, but you still say please and excuse me if you have to squeeze by someone.

Whats allowed? Who knows. I once attended a very large and spectacular kink new years party In DC. The club it was hosted at had several floors and each floor had different rules. On the first floor it was pretty much a slightly kinky new years eve party with a drag show and techno music. As you ascended upwards each floor had fewer restrictions, mild nudity on this floor, some impact play here, and on the top floor; a goddamned roman bacchanal. As I rounded the corner at the top of the stairs I had to squeeze aside to let four burly leather daddies carrying a portly gentleman wearing lederhosen and a hiking cap by and the first thing I saw was a woman being set on fire. To my right some of the more intense eletrostim I’ve ever seen and two women on the bar having an orgasm race. Your mileage will vary, but try and get a feel for the room.